Callum Wilson opens up on 'desperate' childhood where he 'cried himself to sleep'

striker says seeking therapy a year ago has finally saved him from the demons that saw him first contemplate suicide when he was 12-years-old. Thanking his physio for suggesting that he needed outside help 18 months ago, Callum admits that life’s frustrations had been making him more aggressive and that he had started gambling.

The star, whose goalscoring prowess won him a place in England's last squad, says: "He (the physio) basically pulled me aside and said 'I think you need to see somebody, I've got somebody I've worked with in the past and I think you'd really benefit from it'. I was like 'no, no, no'."

Fighting to regain full fitness after an injury at the time, Callum says his need for help soon became too difficult to ignore. "Too many people were asking me if I'm ok, and then I questioned myself. 'Am I ok? What little traits am I showing that are unlike me? And I'd find myself having a little gamble here and there a little bit more,” he admits. “Then, for example, the outbursts of aggression - which I'd release on the pitch at times. If you see me off the pitch, like 'Oh what a nice guy'.

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"But I was unable to do that because I was injured. I wasn't getting that release. It all rose to a head and I was like 'right, I need to go and seek therapy now'.” For a tough sportsman from a dog eat dog background, admitting to needing help was very hard.. "It took a bit of bravery,” says Callum. "The people that I really get along with I was starting to harm. And I was like 'maybe I need to take myself away and speak to somebody'."

Immediately, at his first session with his female therapist, father-of-two Callum, 33, felt "like a weight was lifted". He says: "Even just speaking to her was a great help. "Once I started speaking, and revealed everything I've been through in life, she was like 'Wow, how have you got to this point already without not seeing a therapist?' Speaking out during Mental Health Awareness week, hoping that his honesty will encourage others to seek help, Callum - one of six children by a single mum and with a different dad to his siblings - makes some deeply personal revelations about his Coventry childhood.

Witnessing domestic violence at home, he stayed in safe houses, spent time in foster care and often ate courtesy of food banks. Feeling desperate, he reveals on the High Performance podcast, that at the lowest point of his childhood, he even considered jumping in front of a train. "I cried myself to sleep at night. I got to about 12, 13 - it was like suicidal moments. When I say I cried myself to sleep, I was just praying to God like 'take me out of this environment, I want to become a footballer'.”

Thankfully, Callum’s footballing talent rescued him and he now credits his unhappy childhood with giving him the strength to become a success. Thinking “this can’t be all life has to offer,” instead of giving in, he became determined to find a better life. “ really was my saviour, it was my escape,” he says, adding that his football coach gave him a taste of the love and care he lacked at home.

And, aged 15, while playing for Coventry’s youth team, a friend whose cannabis habit had ruined his own sports career, gave him a harsh warning. Grabbing a drink from his hand the night before a football game, he told Callum: "Do not ruin your career like I ruined mine". Luckily, he listened, adding: “From that point onwards I never looked back in terms of that path to success."

But he does not blame his mum for his unstable homelife. “It was my mum on her own, all my siblings in the house. We had a three bedroom council house. Food was sparing to come by. That, along with a bit of turmoil,” he says That turmoil saw him go to live with his aunty. He adds: "I probably have a lot of aggression from that point, but football was a place that I could be aggressive in my position on the pitch and it would be ok. “So it was like a release really.”

Without football, it was far trickier, according to Callum, who confesses: "You go through spells of (finding) coping mechanisms like gambling." Progressing from Coventry’s first team to and helping them to reach the , he ran into difficulties in September 2015, when he ruptured his anterior cruciate ligament in his right knee. A career-ending injury for many players, he recovered, only to do the same thing in his left knee 17 months later.

But his tough childhood had given him the mental strength to handle the long battles back to fitness, while sidelined from football. And it made him determined to recover and keep the life he had built for himself. After another long rehab battle, he returned to the field - scoring a hat-trick soon after and winning his first England cap on his debut.

His sparkling forward play won him a big-money move from Bournemouth to , where he became the North-East club's top scorer. But more injuries, albeit less serious, followed - leading to the worrying behaviour that prompted those close to him to suggest he seek help. For years, Callum had suppressed the trauma of his childhood, which had been unleashed by another bout of injury.

He says: "When football's going great, when life's going great, you can block it out. I had a period over the last 18 months with setback after setback. Basically, it was too much to suppress. I was in the gym at the football club and was spinning on the bike in the altitude chamber. Bless the sports scientist, lovely guy at our club, I had to put my heart rate monitor on. You can see how much your heart rate's increasing and then you can leave the altitude chamber.

"Basically, my heart rate's not going up. He's like 'it's fine, the iPad's fine, you're not working hard enough'. That obviously triggered something in me. I obviously flipped a little bit. In the end we've just come to a head. I've got off the bike so angry and just walked off and was almost crying with anger. Then the manager (Eddie Howe) called me in a few days after and said 'I've heard what happened with you'.

"The physio like two weeks after - I'm really close to him, he's helped me do my ACL rehabs - he said 'Cal, you're not yourself'. That got my back up straight away. I'm like 'I'm absolutely fine'. He's got a good relationship with my wife, and spoke to her, was like 'Is everything ok with Cal at home?' She was like 'yeah, yeah'. I was probably getting a little bit snappier with the kids than I would have liked and less patient.”

When his tetchiness failed to dissipate, increased concern from those close to him finally led Callum into therapy. "I speak to my wife about it, but I didn't want to blur the lines with our relationship,” he says. “She's not my therapist, she's my wife and the mother of my children, so I didn't want to burden her with problems. You can speak to a therapist and it does feel a sense of relief afterwards.”

Opening up to interviewers Jake Humphrey and Damian Hughes, he says of therapy: “It's an investment in yourself and more than worth it. I'm probably learning a lot about myself now - little traits that I have that were obviously triggered by things as a kid. I'm really happy.”

Meanwhile, Callum hopes that people will identify with what he says. He adds: “There'll be many people who won't be able to resonate, but there'll be a few people that will. And if that one person can resonate and change their life for the better, in terms of therapy, then so be it. I'm at a point where I'm content and willing to share and give back. I'm proud of the journey that I've been on. I've embraced it."

He has been fit now for four and a half months and, while there's no guarantee his Newcastle contract - which ends this summer - will be renewed, he says he still feels he can achieve his goal of making the England squad for next summer's World Cup finals. Asked if he could go back to any point in his life, what that would be, he concludes: “The 12-year-old me, and putting my arm around myself and telling myself 'everything will be ok'."

• If you need someone to talk to, contact The Samaritans by calling 116 123.

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